


The Contentious Countess: Ardyn Edition

by ohmyfae



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Be prepared for the weirdest adverbs and adjectives ever, I can't really explain what the ship is because all the explicit scenes come from the romance novel, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-21
Updated: 2017-02-21
Packaged: 2018-09-26 01:54:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9856709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohmyfae/pseuds/ohmyfae
Summary: Instead of Ardyn taunting Noctis during the events of Chapter 13, Ardyn amuses himself by reading aloud from the worst erotic romance novel known to man.A fill for the kinkmeme! And a sequel (of sorts) toGrab the Gladio by the Biceps: Contentious Countess Edition





	

**Author's Note:**

> Andromeda and Reginald return! This is pure crack, folks.

_"Oh, Reginald," the Countess said, the massive baubles of her bosom heaving boobily in the busty darkness. "Please, let me lay my maiden's hands upon your quivering member and bring us both to the realms of divine pleasure."_

_Reginald's abs flexed with the tight squeeze of true devotion, and his engorged manhood sprung free from his loins like a great whale emerging from the deeps of the sea._

_"My Countess," he growled, snatching her up in his massive, behemoth-sized arms. "Never have I wanted anything more."_

"I want to _die,_ " Noct said, trudging down the dark halls of Gralea's Imperial fortress. It was bad enough to be sent on wild goose-chases for the best friend who might not even _be_ there, to kick away the shuddering, screeching half-animated corpses of MT soldiers, and with nothing but the ring of the Lucii to protect him... But this? This was torture.

Ardyn's low, musical voice sounded over the loudspeakers of the fortress.

_"But Your Majesty!"_ he said. _"You'll miss my favorite part!"_

"I don't want to _hear_ your favorite part," Noct said, using his ring to suck the life energy out of a passing axeman. He sank to his knees, exhausted, and grabbed onto a railing to haul himself up. "I want to get Prompto, and then I want to shove that _book_ down your _throat._ "

Ardyn's chuckle echoed along the rows and rows of MT containment units along the wall.

_The Countess spread her beautiful long legs like a flower opening to the beak of a hummingbird, except in this case, it was more like a flower opening to a giant eagle, because Reginald's love muscle was truly a sight to behold. It gleamed in her mind's eye, and the Countess Andromeda opened her ruby red lips and cried out with agonizing pleasure at the very sight of it--_

"Okay," Noct said, kicking an MT over the side of the railing. "No. No, you have to stop there. Is she having an _orgasm_ because she looked at a _cock?_ "

_"You're getting invested!"_ Ardyn crowed. _"I knew this was right up your alley, dear Noctis."_

Noct let out a groan of frustration, and only barely managed not to rip at his clothes just to find something to plug up his ears. It wouldn't do any good. The volume of the loudspeakers was turned all the way up--The metal walkways vibrated with the sound of Ardyn's voice.

The King of Lucis stormed on into the dark, the adventures of the Countess Andromeda and the sultry Highlander Reginald ringing in his ears.

 

\----

 

A few hours later, Noct pressed a pillow to his head and stared at the wall of an empty MT dorm room, no emotion showing in his bright blue eyes.

_Lymont rode Reginald's manhood like one possessed by the spirit of lust in the chariot of desire careening into the sun of affection. His tight, well-toned ass bounced merrily, and Reginald groaned in low, manful tones as his pecs danced with the rhythm of his dearest love's ministrations. Oh, tho he did love his Countess, Lymont was the man after his own heart. If only the Countess could see Lymont as he saw him, covered in sweat and the glistening ropes of Reginald's seed! And the beautiful state of his soul, of course._

_"Oh, Reginald!" Lymont shouted. "Reginald, Reginald!"_

_"Lymont!" Reginald growled. "Lymont, Lymont!"_

Noct squeezed the pillow tighter around his head, and ground his teeth so hard that his jaw popped.

 

\----

 

Noct slammed open the door to one of the main control rooms. His shirt was in bloody tatters, he held one of the MT soldiers' guns in his right hand, and his eyes flickered violet like the stuttering flash of a dying street light.

"Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker," he said through his teeth, aiming the gun at the crowd of lurching MT soldiers before him.

_"My darling love," the rogue pirate, Rose of the Five Seas, titted down the stairs in a dashing red silk shirt and nothing else. Her brown legs glowed gold in the firelight. "Come, and let me taste thy maiden's sweet nectar upon my tongue, and bring you to sweet and eternal bliss."_

_"Oh, Rose!" the Countess cried, rending her bodice in twain with all the force of her heart's enduring passion. Rose stared at her and ran a tongue along plump, full lips._

_"That bodice cost me four hundred gil," she said at first, then shook her head. Her boobs echoed her head's movement, swaying from side to side, like the sea. "No mind. I shall take you in my arms, oh, Countess, and show you the true meaning of pleasure."_

Noct flung the gun on the ground when he saw the white-robed figure hunched in the middle of the room, kneeling on the cold metal floor. When he approached, General Ravus turned tormented eyes to the King.

"Make him _stop,_ " he said, in a broken voice.

Noct set his mouth in a grim line and nodded. "I will. Want to help me?"

"Please." Ravus handed Noct a sword--His father's sword, he realized, as his fingers curled around the familiar hilt--and straightened. The two men gripped each other's forearms in unspoken sympathy, and all of the hatred and fear and grief of their former lives fell away, leaving room only for their true and singular purpose.

"I've been shooting out the loudspeakers as I go," Noct said, shortly. Ravus nodded.

"Good man."

 

\---

 

They met Gladio and Ignis just as Ardyn was getting to the halfway point of the novel. Noct was beginning to wonder if Ardyn didn't need to sleep, or eat, or even breathe. How else could he keep going, hour after hour, night after endless night?

Shit. He was even starting to _think_ like the book.

"It's a fucking nightmare," Gladio said, when they met up. "I can't believe he's reading from the unlicensed spinoff."

"Gladio," Noct said. "Please. Not... right now. Let's just go get Prompto."

"Hear, hear," Ignis whispered.

_The strap-on that the Countess wore was magical indeed,_ Ardyn continued, as though they weren't there. _For when it entered the depths of Reginald's perfectly round globes, the Highlander felt pleasure like unto which he had never before encountered. Like a pod of breaching porpoises his desire grew, bursting forth from him with each hard thrust of his delightful, beautiful goddess of a Countess..._

 

\---

 

Noct switched the locking mechanism that held Prompto to his restraints, and Gladio leapt forward, catching the gunner in his arms. Prompto knelt there a moment, hands tight on Gladio's shoulders, head bowed while he tried to regain his breath. Down the hall, Ravus stood guard, watching for straggling MT patrols.

"I... can't believe it," Prompto gasped.

"I'm so sorry, Prom," Noct said. "I never wanted to leave you behind. I... I'm so..."

"I can't believe he's reading the unlicensed spinoff," Prompto said, glaring up at Gladio. "The author didn't publish that book for a _reason._ "

Noct froze.

"I know, Prom," Gladio said.

"There's no _way_ Lymont would betray Reginald just because his estranged mother ordered him to!"

Noct turned to Ignis with a faint groan of despair, and his advisor sighed and patted his hair.

_"I think you'll find,_ said Ardyn, his voice crackling in the broken loudspeaker overhead, _"That she foreshadows his betrayal in book three, when Lymont rescues the Countess from the ninja assassins, and she sees the ring on his left forefinger--"_

"Bullshit!" Prompto said. "I told you _days_ ago, that was just her wishing she could marry all six of her lovers! Gods, fake fans make me sick, Gladio."

"You're telling me," Gladio said, helping the blonde to his feet. "Come on, sunshine. Let's find him and give him a piece of our mind."

"Finally," Noct whispered, stepping out of Ignis' hold. He hefted his sword in his hand and turned his determined, steely-eyed gaze to the other end of the hall. "Let's end this."

**Author's Note:**

> Ravus hung onto life in sheer spite, because he was NOT going to let the last words he heard be a loving description of Reginald's rock hard thighs.


End file.
